What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 02:06
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My family never makes their pension either.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One cannot live in the past .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i do to all so called friends.?
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We were not on the streets..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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I was 9 years of age.
And i lived it daily.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
What 10 things have you stopped doing in your life?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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Ive learnt so much.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She married twice! .
This is soul school!.
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But it wasn’t much.
I was seconnd youngest,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She wouldn,t have been !
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We all went to grammer schools
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But, we were locked up after school.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
What did i know ?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Where the ultimate outsiders.
When she asked me how she looked .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I think the readers, may guess!
I was very sick at this time too.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He knew the spot.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Would this be the day?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was scared of men, in general
She loved him until the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So, i spoilt her more .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Especially a lifetime of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im still living with it.
I write beautiful poetry .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She found it foreign!.
I have no regrets .
So whats the point in blame.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Comes on , in middle age.
I will be 64.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I waited trembling.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Put me off passion for life!!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Who then, do I blame.?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I said to her
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
All the time i was locked up.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I don,t even have a pension.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My life is so biszare .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was in good health!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
It was going to be , some day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I couldn’t, believe it.